OCTOBER 23, 2022 – (Cont.) “So what’s the offer they can’t refuse?” asked the Don.
“Easy peasy. Goes like this:
“FIRST: No deal except a universal deal—U.S. DOJ, New York AG, Georgia AG; all claims now existing or hereafter conjured up are covered by the deal;
“SECOND: You plead guilty to as many felony counts as DOJ, and the AsG wanna list . . . misdemeanors, mischdemeanors—they all get dropped, since those are for the small fry, Sloppy Steve Bannons of the world, not Emperors like you, sir . . . and you agree to 15-year consecutive prison terms—one for each felony count—and a total fines of $100 million . . .
The child-man erupted. “Outta here!” he screamed. I was afraid his brain would burst—until I remembered that he had no brain. Come to think of it, I thought, the reason he hadn’t suffered a heart attack yet from all those McDonald’s Happy Meals is that he had no . . . “You’re a low-life scum, a con-man, a lousy, sleazy, lying lawyer!” he said in a spray of spit.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” I said, pushing against his desk and giving him the alpha dog look. “Hold onto your shorts and your flaming hairpiece, for crying out loud.”
Reluctantly, the Don sat back down, slowly.
“Hear me out here, you crazy piece of . . . Sheesh!
“THIRD . . . THIRD: Biden—and Kemp and Hochul for Georgia and New York—commute your sentences . . . okay? commute. . . so that your base will go on thinking you’re a winner who outsmarted big, bad, radical, leftist, socialist, Dumbcrat, witch-hunt gov’mnt. Bonus territory: the commutation is different from a pardon, and thus, you’ll be barred from running for public office—saving you from the need to worry about losing ever again, not to mention winning and having to bother with policy briefings.
“FOURTH: The U.S. Mint issues a new coin—a two-cent piece with your flattering mug over the phrase, “In Gold We Trust” and under the words, “Make America Great Again,” so you can start your rallies with a standing ovation when you hold up a shiny round object and shout, “This proves that I was twice the president Abe Lincoln was!”;
“FIFTH: Within 15 calendar days after court confirmation of the deal, you’ll issue a statement that the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, Neo-Nazis, and all other white supremacists are a pack of disloyal, white trash losers (after all, you know they are), BUT . . . you’ll issue the statement only if first, former President Obama writes and publishes in the NYT, WaPo, the WSJ, a public apology for having dissed you at the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner Roast in 2011.
“Call it a win-win,” I said, “the key to all successful settlements.”
I wasn’t ready for the Don’s reaction, though in retrospect, I should’ve seen it coming. He turned as red as King County, Texas, yanked open a desk drawer, pulled out what looked like a day-old McCheeseburger, took a bite out of it, then launched it at me full force. I ducked, and the lard-laden projectile hit the “LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS” duct tape and splattered all over the door. As the ketchup drained toward the yellow carpet, I noticed that the condiment matched perfectly the color of the tape.
“You don’t know how to negotiate!” he said with a roar. “I only win if everyone else loses!”
“As you wish it,” I said. “But remember me when you’re served a prison Spamburger and fries without the ketchup—or you wake up to a bloody horse head between your satin sheets.” (Cont.)
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© 2022 by Eric Nilsson
