OCTOBER 1, 2020 – You know the country’s in trouble when the local elementary school proudly broadcasts they’re a bunch of cheaters. I kid you not.
Worse than Tuesday evening’s debate are the fallen standards at our neighborhood “institution of lower learning.” The sign currently bears large black lettering that reads, “WE ARE CHEETAHS!” And they’re proud of it? Plus, this den of dishonesty can’t spell worth a damn. It just goes to show: Elect a president who’s a fraudster and doesn’t read, and four years later we’re a whole society of cheaters who can’t spell.
On the other hand . . .
Perhaps my assumption’s wrong. Maybe the committee that approved the sign are “old school”; they want to shame students who’ve abandoned integrity and respect for learning. It could be that the first-person pronoun is simply the “royal we.”
Another possibility exists: given the school’s proximity to Como Zoo (from the playground you can hear lions roar), it’s not a school at all in this Time of Covid but an extension of the “Como Cat House”; a retrofitted sanctuary for the fastest land animal in the world. Hmmm. On second thought I doubt this—the only feline I’ve seen on the premises is a lazy house cat.
I know what you’re thinking: cheetah is the school’s mascot. The image of one, however, is nowhere to be seen—on the sign or anywhere else on the school grounds.
In my day, though “Spelling” commanded special attention, I’m sure plenty of cheaters attended my elementary school (see, for example, my 9/12-13 posts). But that inconvenient truth wasn’t publicized. And we didn’t have a mascot. If we’d adopted one, it should’ve related to Benjamin Franklin, since the school was officially named, “Franklin Elementary School.” “The Printers” would’ve been well-grounded historically, but not as electrifying as, “The Lightning Bolts.” (Inexplicably, no image of Ben Franklin graced the school. He was trumped by pictures of Washington and Lincoln.)
Across town were schools named after our first and the sixteenth presidents. “WE ARE CHEATAHS!” would’ve been drastically out of synch with “Honest Abe” and the president who “could not tell a lie”—though he wasn’t above hacking down a perfectly good cherry tree. Neither of those “presidential” schools had mascots. They could’ve been “The Railsplitters” and “The Cherry Tree Choppers.” Of course, both involved a potential weapon—the ax—but that would’ve been a perfect symbol. After all, aren’t tools and weapons what made America great?
If I can find an email address for the principal “Cheetah” . . . or “Cheatah,” I’ll suggest that the school choose a new motto, such as, “WE’RE GOOD SPELLERS!” (assuming they are) and adopt the bee as a mascot. Imagine the intimidation factor of The Stinging Bees at the district spelling contest on Zoom! Better yet, how about, “WE ARE SCIENCE IN THE AGE OF COVID!”
I’m dreaming. What American school would adopt a mascot that reflects academic excellence instead of physical prowess?
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© 2020 by Eric Nilsson
