APRIL 7, 2020 – Yesterday morning I was doing just fine minding my own business, in full retreat from the world, head stuck in the sand while I listened to Mozart. But then, by the habit of the age, I sneaked onto social media. I scrolled down my Facebook “newsfeed,” then switched to two different mainstream media sites, and scrolled through their headlines. Suddenly, I blew a head gasket.
As the figurative engine exploded, the imaginary hood of my make-believe ’67 Mustang flew into space up over the (convertible) roof, then bounced off the pavement behind me. While I waited for the proverbial tow truck to arrive, along came . . . Jonathan Swift(!), author of the classic, satirical essay, A Modest Proposal. (The full title of the work, which he published anonymously in 1729, was A Modest Proposal For preventing the Children of Poor People From being a Burthen to Their Parents or Country, and For making them Beneficial to the Publick [sic]. It targeted harsh British policy toward the impoverished Irish by suggesting poor children be fed to the rich. The piece was so influential, the phrase, “a modest proposal,” found its way into the lexicon of literary allusions; specifically, as code for “unabashed satire.”)
We chatted briefly before he continued on his way. While I resumed my wait for a tow, I devised a “modest proposal” of my own, to-wit:
A “WIN-WIN” FOR (1) AMERICA; AND (2) THE “STUPID ZONE”:
- ALL Trump supporters migrate to what is now known as Wyoming, to be embraced with open arms, hugs, and kisses—no need for face masks or social distancing;
- Thusly situated, Trumpians declare themselves the “INDEPENDENT EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN, GOD-PLANNED, GUN-TOTING, FLAG-WAVING, SCIENCE DENYING, ANTI-VAXXER, ANTI-TAXES, ANTI-ABORTION, ANTI-IMMIGRANT, PRO-SOCIOPATHIC-BUT-ANTI-SOCIALIST, ANTI-GOVERNMENT, VOTE-SUPPRESSING, MONEY-MONGERING, NARCISSISTIC, UNIMPEACHABLE REPUBLICAN REPUBLIC OF PRAYERFUL RAPTURE.” (Not to worry, the rest of us will refer to it simply as, the “Stupid Zone.”);
- The rest of us, declaring ourselves, “CITIZENS UNITED,” extend a $8 billion “Good-bye Grant” to the Stupid Zone, payable in engraved scrip bearing the legend, “May God Help You”), for construction of a 1,000′-high WALL around the entire border, with an N95 barrier overhead. (For Trumpians who can’t or won’t do math, science, or geography, half of the $8 billion grant ($4 billion) works out to exactly one billion per side of the new, rectangular country; the other half ($4 billion) is for the N95 “mask” over the top.) NOTE: The Good-bye Grant is subject to the conditions that construction begins immediately and is completed by the earlier of (a) 30 days hereafter (don’t worry—many hands working very closely together make for light work); (b) the time all Trumpians are carried off to heaven via a wing and a prayer; or (c) the rest of us run out of time and money because the Trumpians have destroyed what they left behind.
Now back to “Mozart in the morning” to lower my blood pressure. Later I’ll check on progress at the auto repair shop. I’m thinkin’ the bill’s gonna exceed $1,200. It’s okay–ain’t nothing modest about my affection for that Mustang.
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© 2020 by Eric Nilsson
