NOVEMBER 11, 2020 – My dear mother-in-law, Cleo Boger, would’ve turned 100 today. She died six weeks after she’d voted for the first woman to win the popular vote for president. Imagine that—Cleo, a life-long Republican, voting for a Democrat instead of . . . a red wrecking ball!
And here we are four years later trying to rid ourselves of that red wrecking ball.
After a week of Trumpus-rumpus, we’re experiencing a relapse of pre-election anxiety. We need an antidote, a “feel good” fix to get us past December 14 (Electoral College Day), January 5 (Senate Election Run-off-in-Georgia Day), and January 20 (Be Done with Red Wrecking Ball Day).
Since Sunday, I’ve experimented with various possible antidotes, some involving alcohol. Yesterday evening I tried something wild and crazy—and effective.
Here’s how it works . . .
Go to YouTube and search “WORST storms at sea videos.” (“Worst” in all-caps is unnecessary, but it’ll make you feel like you’re getting the absolute worst.) Click on one of the selections—any will suffice.
Watch the freighter or tanker that’s heaving in the mountainous waves. Imagine the vessel as the United States; the raging sea as the Party of Trump, curling and cresting ferociously, an ocean of 70 million white-caps—I mean red-caps (the open Sea of Nonsense is fathomless).
You’re not a normal human being—whether sailor or landlubber—if you don’t think, “Goddamn, but I’m glad I’m not aboard that ship!” Except . . . [imagine the wavering-image-to-sound-of-the-strumming-of-a-harp device that old-time sit-coms deployed to signal a character’s imaginings] . . .
You are! You cower below gargantuan waves surging relentlessly and mercilessly. You gasp as walls of seawater crash over the bow and smash into the windows of the bridge. You cry, “How much longer can the good ship endure such punishment?” You worry, “What if the engines are knocked out and the vessel turns sideways . . . surely then to be capsized?” You wonder, How much longer can we survive?
Scared sh__tless yet? No? Watch more videos until you are (there are plenty of choices).
Now pretend that Captain Biden and First Officer Harris appear on the bridge and see you—your face as white as a sail, your mouth rimmed by regurgitated fish chowder. Imagine Biden saying with the same calm he displayed at his news conference yesterday, “Don’t worry. We know it’s scary, but we anticipated this storm, and we’ve charted a course that’ll get us through. Neptune might be in a rage, but . . .” The captain hesitates, then continues with quiet measure, “How do I say this tactfully? . . . it’s not good for his legacy.” With a pat on the back he adds. “This ship has weathered a lot worse. Now, need some Dramamine? Can we get you a hot cup of coffee?”
With a simple click disembark from the ship. Close out of YouTube.
Feeling better with Biden at the helm and Harris with him on the bridge? . . . I thought so.
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© 2020 by Eric Nilsson
