MARCH 29, 2021 – In the spring of second grade my teacher told us to look out for signs that the interminable winter wasn’t so. Every Monday, first thing, she’d ask us to cite the most recent harbingers of a more hospitable season. There were the usual things—disappearing snowbanks, green blades of grass, a robin hopping across the backyard, crocuses pushing up from a mother’s garden, rhubarb shoots along a lot adjoining our playground. Then one weekend fairly late in the game, I scored a bonanza: a water-skier (albeit in a wetsuit) on the river across the street from our house.
Those were the days. As I approach my curmudgeon years (ahem!), I’m bracing for the sign of spring that has become my pet-peeve: the leaf (grass-clipping) blower. Neighborhood lawns have yet to turn green, but before long people will start their engines—and their !@#$%! blowers.
Gas-powered lawn mowers don’t bother me. They run at a constant decibel level, and after a minute or two, I tune them out. Plus, the yards in our neighborhood aren’t so large that this America tradition—DIY or hired out—takes very long.
The leaf/clipping blowers are another situation altogether. I fantasize about being a prison guard lording over people who’ve been convicted and sentenced for operating blowers at inconsistent decibel levels. Part of offenders’ punishment is to remove with tweezers, grass clippings from the vast and verdant prison grounds. The other punishment is an hour of hell each day: blower noise amped up over a PA system. The hour-of-hell isn’t a straight-line decibel level like a lawnmower. No sirree. It’s as it disturbs our neighborhood: VRROOM! V-r-r-r-r-r. VROOM! V-r-r-r-r. VRO-O-O-O-M! Vr-r. VA ROOM, ROOM, ROOOOOOOOOM! Vr. VR. Vr. VROOOOOOM! V-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r. VROOM!
I know, you never pictured me as a prison guard. Okay, fine. The world is full of surprises, especially in springtime.
My happiest time and place at home on a warm spring day is reading or writing on our screened porch, lording over absolutely no one. A reasonable yelp from our next-door neighbors’ well-behaved dogs—not a problem. Young kids chasing up and down the street out front—their shouts sounding like singing birds—still no problem. But the blowers? A-A-R-R-R-G-H!
For blower-users I have a cure-all solution—one that solves their “problem” and eliminates mine. After you’ve cut your lawn, simply run the mower over the pavement. The mower will blow those clippings to kingdom come (actually back onto the lawn—exactly where the blower sends them).
If you just have to use the blower because . . . you own one . . . HOLD THE TRIGGER to maintain a constant decibel level. Five minutes of “VRRO-O-O-O-M!” I can handle. The sound of a motorcycle stuck at a stop sign and going “VROOM, vvvr, V-A-ROOM-ROOM, vrrrrrrrr, VROOM, vrrr is just not going to . . . cut it.
Whew! Okay, I’m done . . . blowin’ my stack*. Spring? Bring it on!
*Editor’s note: The writer is a skiing fanatic and going through snow withdrawal—an annual syndrome. He usually calms down by May 1.
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© 2021 by Eric Nilsson
