OCTOBER 6, 2021 – Contemporary life has been kind to dogs and the industries that support them—from chow manufacturers to purveyors of leashes and strollers; yes, strollers. Recently, my youngest sister saw a dog owner in Central Park pushing two hounds (all dolled up) in a stroller. In Minnesota I haven’t yet seen people pushing pets as if the animals were children, grandchildren, or . . . dolls.
Now that mornings are too cool for sipping java and pounding the keyboard while out on the screen porch, I sip and pound in a room facing out the front of our house. From this vantage point I notice passers-by, many of them out walkin’ Fido.
Later in the day when I’m a walker, albeit sans dog, I often encounter the converse of what I witness from our sitting room. I see people—and dogs—within the confines of their home turf.
Over time I’ve noticed patterns among dog-owners. One features owners trying earnestly but ineffectively to quiet their dogs.
Arf-arf! Says a dog, as I walk by.
“Quiet!” its owner barks. The human’s tone invariably mimics a parent’s impatience with a five-year-old’s lack of cooperation. But the dog is no more responsive to the owner’s command than a typical five-year-old is to a parent’s directive. In each case, only time and distraction are effective. I always think that the strident “Quiet!” is for my consumption, as if the civic-minded owner is saying, “Sorry. There’s no way to muzzle Fido without . . . a muzzle. Not unless I throw him a rib-eye bone—with the meat still on the bone—will he quiet down. I’m sorry if his barking annoys you as you’re walking by; just wanted you to know I noticed, and I’m not ignoring Fido’s bark.”
Amused, soon I’m out of earshot of both dog and dog-owner.
Other patterns are more nuanced. They reflect “who’s in charge” in any given household. Three possibilities exist: 1. The guy is in charge; 2. The guy is not in charge; 3. The guy is equally in charge—at least while walking the dog. Many dog-owning couples walk by our house, so my “research” has captured lots of data points. Deviations are rare.
The (ostensibly) in-charge guys are out front—behind the dog but ahead of the spouse—blazing the trail down the sidewalk. They walk confidently, even boldly, like pioneers leading the way (in the tracks of their eager hounds) through the Cumberland Gap. Nothing can stop them—except vehicular cross-traffic at the end of the block.
The not-in-charge guys trudge behind dog and woman, often with . . . a hang-dog look . . . as if they’d been chastised away from ESPN. Neither dog nor woman gives a dog turd about the poor guy’s predicament, which often includes holding the blue plastic bag containing . . . dog turds.
The guys who are equal (while walking Fido), usually get to hold the dog leash, as they walk side-by-side with their spouses. These men look the most civilized, evolved from the pioneer era and cured of the hang-dog look.
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© 2021 by Eric Nilsson
