SLOPPY, DUMB, AND FUNNY

DECEMBER 11. 2023 – Each December I’m shocked and amused by the horse-drawn buggy method that Minnesota lawyers must follow to file their annual reports. The operation is run by the “Office of Lawyers Professional Responsibility” established by the Minnesota Supreme Court. By statutue, each law firm operating in the state must certify annually that the folks who own and govern it are licensed to practice law in Minnesota.

Fine. The report doesn’t take more than a few minutes to complete. The filing fee is a whopping $25.00. No big deal by any gauge.

But here’s the catch: you can’t file the report or pay the fee online. No. Payment must be by way of an old-fashioned check and both the check and the paper report must be stuffed into an envelope and mailed by pony express. This is in keeping with the “Office of Lawyers Professional Responsibility” letterhead, which includes not only a toll free phone number but a fax number, reflecting long-outmoded technology.

Again, fine. But go to the “yellow pages” that are included in the annual mailer sent to every Minnesota law firm in late November. The two lemon-colored sheets—one doubled-sided—contain an exhaustive checklist for completing the form . . . and writing the check . . . and mailing same.

At least three conclusions can be fairly drawn from these instructions: (1) Minnesota lawyers are dumber than dirt; (2) Minnesota lawyers are sloppier than mud; or (3) the staff at the “Office of Professional Responsibility” are bored as hell and trying to attract the attention of one or more late night TV show hosts.

The “ANNUAL REPORT CHECKLIST” contains no fewer than 24 items, each with a box to be checked, so that the person completing the report can keep track of things down to the most granular level. For example, question one of the report asks for the firm’s name. The corresponding checklist item for this task reads “I have inclued my firm’s name in Question 1.” “Question 1” also asks for the firm’s . . . address. Just so that’s not missed, the next checklist item reads, “I have included my firm’s address in Question 1.” And yes, there’s a box to check beside that item (or “sub-item”?).

After sweating your way through the first 19 checklist items, you reach the four that help you make out the check—including, “The $25.00 check [one of three items in which you’re reminded of the amount—after seeing it twice in the cover letter] is dated including the correct year (double check).” I’m not kidding.

Finally you reach the last task, directed surely at lawyers operating under way too much stress and distracted by text and email pings, phone calls, people yelling in the background, and the ear-splitting annoyance of a building-wide fire alarm going off. The item reads, “I have included a paper version of the report and the paper check [as opposed to what, one written on cowhide[1]?] in an envelope and have mailed it with sufficient postage to: [Office of Professional Responsibility].”

Having lampooned the “checklist” and my profession, I must confess that one year I found myself among the “sloppy,” who apparently were so numerous the “Office” decided we needed to be treated as just plain dumb. I always got the check part right (including the correct year in the date), but I’d neglected to check the “None” box next to the part of the report pertaining to amendments. By pony express I was notified of this glaring omission. Chagrined, I had to resubmit my report. Fortunately, I didn’t have to send a second “paper check.”

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© 2023 by Eric Nilsson

[1] My tongue-in-cheek reference to an famous case everyone learns about in law school holding that a check can take pretty much any form, even writing on the side of a cow (the peculiar circumstances involved in the case), provided sufficient information is included.