MAY 12, 2020 – Usually I’m sequestered from the nonsense that reigns supreme elsewhere on the good ship America. This morning, however, sudden zig-zags in the vessel’s course prompted me to leave the quiet of my stateroom to have a look.
The air smelled sulfuric. Blindfolded passengers with bad hair, bulging eyes, and carrots jammed into their ears wandered aimlessly. Outside the bridge were picketers with signs reading, “Don’t Steer for Me!” The entire Lido deck had been commandeered by swashbuckling Buccaneers, many wearing crucifixes.
Suddenly, ear-splitting feedback burst over the P.A. system. Then . . . a voice:
“This is your captain speaking. I’m the greatest of all time. There’s never been a greater captain of any ship, including the Bounty, which I saw in a movie. Great movie. Some would say not so great. I don’t know. We’ll see. Great movie though.
“We have some great meat aboard this ship. Probably the greatest steaks you’ll find anywhere in the world. Anyone who says they’re not the greatest steaks is vegan.
“Democrats want you to starve, but we won’t let that happen. By dinnertime, we’re going to have enough steaks on board so that you’ll get one whenever you want.
“With all the steaks you can eat, we’re going to get this ship back on course as fast as we left port, which was very, very fast. The Coast Guard tried to prevent that from happening, but look at ’em now—they’re trying to prevent you from eating steaks. But they’re lying. Ever since we left port—remember the crowds on the wharf? Millions; there were millions of people—the lying Democrats have been trying to knock me off the bridge. First it was the Russia hoax, then it was the Stormy lie, then little Bobby Mueller—remember him? A weak man, very weak man—then it was a witch hunt over the perfect phone call. But I was unimpeachable—the most unimpeachable president in the history of the world. No judges, no baby generals, no fake reporters, no cheating Democrats will win because they’re all weak losers—very weak.”
Just then I saw a group of passengers mounting the stairs to the upper deck. They dragged unpacked parachutes and signs that read, “Give Me Stupid or Give Me Death!” Curious, I hurried to catch up to the person at the bottom of the staircase.
“Excuse me,” I said. The man turned. “What’s going on here? Why the parachutes?”
“Haven’t you heard?” he said. “Joe Biden is criminal. He has a Chinese potion he’s going to pour into the fuel tanks. He’s turning this ship into an airplane and crashing it into the White House. We want to be able to parachute before Biden kills everyone aboard.”
Flabbergasted, I asked about the source of such disturbing news.
“That’s the most convincing thing,” the guy said.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s not just one source—it’s many: Alex Jones, Rush Limbaugh, Elvis, FoxNews and Facebook.”
Aboard this ship how long can a stateroom be a safe room?
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© 2020 by Eric Nilsson
