QUARANTINE COACH

MARCH 18, 2020 – Yesterday, I enjoyed a long-distance conversation with Dean, one of my brothers-in-law. I introduced my blog-followers to Dean last September (see The Dean of Readers – 9/16).  For newcomers, he’s wheelchair bound by multiple sclerosis. His mind, however, soars freely and far beyond his physical limitations. He and my oldest sister live in Newton Highlands, just outside of Boston.

We talked for a time about the current crisis.  Being an irrepressible comedian (his younger daughter, Erica, is a professional stand-up outta L.A. with a growing international reputation; she definitely caught the bug from her dad), Dean has devised a humorous way to capitalize on the world’s “new normal.”

Having spent many years confined to a wheelchair inside his home, or, when the weather cooperates, on a small deck leading from the kitchen or on the side porch next to the living room, Dean has accumulated lots of valuable experience dealing with what’s new to so many of us—living at home 24/7.  Before his confinement, Dean was a CPA but not your ordinary CPA. Amidst his work as a tax accountant at Ernst & Young, Dean found time and pleasure making appearances as an accounting seminar speaker.  His audiences, though inoculated against humor, found his presentations extraordinarily amusing and thus memorable from a substantive standpoint. (Imagine being in a large conference space filled with CPAs . . . laughing their butts off! You would not forget much about such an occasion.)

So now Dean’s time as a “Quarantine Coach” has arrived. You no longer need to worry about how to occupy your time, how to remain sane, productive, and entertained.  For an appropriate fee according to a schedule yet to be fully worked out, Dean will make a web appearance less than three feet from your face.  At all times he will be in full compliance with social distancing by ignoring social distancing.

In the safety and comfort of your own dwelling, Dean will provide lots of practical “how to” recommendations that are guaranteed to make your isolation worth the fee and the effort—his fee, your effort. For example, he’ll offer both full and abridged versions of “How to stare at a ceiling for three hours without going stare crazy” and “How to sell your services as a human surveillance camera trained on your neighbor’s house so the neighbor doesn’t need to worry about someone breaking in to steal a stash of toilet paper while the neighbor is out for the day searching for paper towels.” And many more “ala carte” sessions or full day “seminars by example” can be tailored to fit your individual needs and desires.

Also, for additional, reasonable remuneration, Dean can help you select topflight literature to keep your mind off current events—and show you how to optimize your use of an e-reader.

The demand for Dean’s quarantine coaching will be enormous. To ensure you make the “Dean’s List,” let me know as soon as possible.  I’ve agreed to serve as his lawyer and agent. Naturally, he’ll be his own accountant.

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© 2020 by Eric Nilsson