MARCH 1, 2020 – Yesterday evening my wife and I gathered with friends at a restaurant in old St. Paul. The occasion was a stop-over by Majiec Czarnecki, one of our World Press Institute Fellows (Poland) from several years back. He’s on assignment in the U.S. through November.
We covered many subjects, but of course, politics dominated. We “older” Americans were as undecided as ever regarding the Democratic candidates. This glaring indecision contrasted with our visceral disdain for Trump.
As it became clear that in South Carolina Biden had scored a victory far more decisive than our opinions, we became even more animated in our speculations—and indecision. How will we vote?! One friend gave a reliable, one-person removed, favorable insight into Bloomberg. Her husband then spoke of an extended, official visit with Elizabeth Warren and spoke highly of her, though he criticized her petty antics against Bloomberg in the Nevada debate; he was no fan of Amy. Another friend argued (based on turnout statistics) that Bernie’s support among young people isn’t as strong as advertised. Everyone agreed that Mayor Pete is smart and the most articulate of the bunch, whereas Biden isn’t good at public speaking. But being “older,” everyone also thought Pete was too young.
As I later reflected on our energetic, inconclusive discussion, I hit upon a winning strategy for Democrats. Here it is . . .
Equipped with a portable lectern and wireless sound system, Biden and Buttigieg take a campaign bus across America, then paint the industrial swing states blue. Emblazoned with stars and stripes, the bus flies a huge, blue, fluttering banner screaming, BIDEN TIME IN ’20! Meanwhile, the vice-presidential candidate—Elizabeth Warren—rides her own bus around the country—with a banner proclaiming, HOPE AND HELP ON THE MOVE IN ’20! The bus pulls a tricked-out trailer occupied by . . . Mike Bloomberg.
Wherever HOPE AND HELP stops, aides haul out a portable punching bag dressed up like Trump’s head—and a boxing ring bell. While Warren “fights,” Mike pops open the back of the trailer and hands out cash. Five minutes later, the bell rings and HOPE AND HELP races to the next stop.
At BIDEN TIME stops, first out the door is a lectern with a wireless sound system. Joe then bounces out, steps up to the lectern, waves, points at someone and winks, adjusts the mike, and . . . moves his lips. Pete, tucked away on BIDEN TIME, holds a live, wireless mike. For the next 20 minutes, Pete talks smart, while Joe keeps moving his lips, plowing furrows into his brow, and jabbing emphatically with his index finger. He then smiles, waves, shakes hands, waves again and follows the lectern and wireless sound system back onto BIDEN TIME for the next rodeo.
Eight months later, Trump’s “perfect phone call” is revealed definitively for what it was: too little, too soon. Ten months later, the main Inaugural Ball is kicked off with a rousing rendition of “Happy Days are Here Again.”
Now, there’s a story, Maciej!
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© 2020 by Eric Nilsson
