JANUARY 28, 2020 – Contrary to common assumption, not all who disdain Trump want his removal by impeachment/conviction. Why not? Vice President Pence. ’Tis far better to defeat the regime by a landslide in November. But how? By a good piece of theater, as in . . .
MEANS OF REMOVAL
ACT I – “SLAPSTICK”
The play opens in the Oval Office, where a wall map of the world has been tacked onto a wall. Only Ukraine and Bangladesh are labeled. Perfect-Call-in-Chief watches Looney Tunes on television while his Jester-without-Portfolio, Riudi Giuli, repeatedly races in and out, each time unloading a load of guano from a burlap bag marked, “EWWW! CRANE POOP.” Running slapstick are “Fur Man” and “Paired Ass.” At random moments, they enter on a tandem bicycle bearing a pennant labeled, “Fraud Guarantee(d),” circle the office, and bump into Perfect-Call. Each time it’s a photo op.
ACT II – “IMPEACHMENT”
The first scene features the House investigation—a chorus of actors singing soliloquies with inspirational eloquence. Perfect-Call, cheered by a fawning “Shame” Ham-and-Cheese wearing a fox costume, vilifies them as “Enemies of the people.”
Next scene: House managers in baseball uniforms enter the Senate Chamber. They hurl 23 fastballs, which bounce off Republicans seeking 2020 re-election. Next on stage—Perfect-Call’s gun-slinging lawyers, wearing “spinstripes,” power-ties, and over-sized Mickey Mouse watches, ticking loudly. The lawyers pull fistfuls of lollipops from their brief cases and throw the suckers at Republican senators. Periodically, Chief Injustice Roberts Rules rules . . . or rather, on cue from MacTruckonnell, says decorously, “So ordered,” as he raps a shot glass on his desktop.
In the third scene occurs a roll call vote on a resolution slamming the door on all documents and witnesses; then, a brief drum roll and the rim shot of acquittal. Chopin’s Funeral March plays as lights fade and the American flag behind Roberts Rules falls off the wall.
ACT III – “HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN!”
The final act opens with the detonation of an M-80. Evidence symbolized by model eyeballs the size of basketballs falls from catwalks above stage. When each eyeball lands, a red flag springs forth and a firecracker pops, until the floor is littered with smoke and flags. Perfect-Call supporters (blindfolded, ears plugged, toy trumpets on their lips), emerge from one side and in lockstep begin to cross the stage. They carry a host of campaign signs, including, “Call, Call Perfect-Call!” “Git ’er Out!” and “Git ’er Done!” But several opponents enter from the other side of the stage. They chant, “Appalling Call! Appalling Call!” At center stage, they stop the Perfect-Callers. As more and more people rush out from the Appalled side, the Perfect-Callers drop their toy trumpets and beat a retreat. One of them yells, “Take off your blinders!” but it’s too late: a royal pile-up ensues, as a loud buzzer goes off.
The stage fills with revelers waving handheld American flags and blowing party horns at will. A band assembles and strikes up, Happy Days are Here Again! as the curtain falls and the audience cheers.
THE END
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© 2020 by Eric Nilsson
