OCTOBER 4, 2023 – Whereas Mother’s glide path toward the end of her life was a long, steady descent with wheels closing in on the trees but never quite clipping them, UB’s glide path was filled with turbulence, deviations, and even complete aerobatic “go arounds.”
From my usual perspective 1,200 miles away, I wasn’t close enough to witness UB’s final airshows the way Cliff did. He was generally good about calling me when something especially notable happened, but twice during UB’s long, life’s-end approach, Cliff was upset enough to part the waters and write an email to my sisters and me.
One in particular stood out for its detail—and representative examples of how UB tried Cliff’’s patience:
NEWS UPDATE: UB is old. You obviously all know that because he has been old for a long time, but seriously—he is really starting to show it. I have been taking him to the doctor’s on a regular basis since Dr. [Palimento], his primary physician, has moved his office to an area of Clifton, NJ. He is a part of a medical group, and UB claims the group moved to an undesirable area of Clifton for “insurance reasons.”
Angelo does not feel comfortable taking UB to this area of Clifton. He told UB he won’t take him to the doctor there because he gets lost and there is no parking. It is in an area that is not very easy to get to unless you know the area well and which way to go, which I have explained to him several times, [. . . ] but he still refuses to take him, so needless to say I have been the one taking UB to the doctor.
Monthly has turned into bi-weekly and whenever else UB feels the need for his various concerns, aches and pains, ailments and tests. As much as you all know how much UB fights for his independence and is unwilling to accept help . . . [h]e has been forgetting to take his necessary daily medications on a regular basis. His sugar is all over the place and Dr. [Palimento], who Eric knows is a mild, meek, mousy kind of guy that has a non-confrontational demeanor, was actually raising his voice at UB and telling him, “If you don’t take your medications properly, you are going to die.” He even went as far as to say that [UB] has the money, and needs a nurse at least two times a day, once in the morning and once in the evening to ensure that he is taking his medications properly and morning and evening meals at the very least.
As Angelo can attest, UB is very agreeable when he is in the doctor’s office, but by the time we get home, he is already thinking of ways to avoid daily visits from any outsiders. He has even gone as far as to tell me that he is going to K-Mart to buy a new watch which he is going to program to remind him to take his medications—all 11 of them—at various times that they need to be taken, which of course is impossible—but in his mind he has it all figured out, as usual. This past Tuesday, he and Angelo were off to K-Mart to look at watches.
I think we all know he can afford a regular visit from a medical professional/nutritionist, but Dr. [Palimento] told me that UB really cannot be alone any more.
Unfortunately, UB made the mistake of asking [Antonia][1] to help him with a personal computer and the disc he mistakenly gave her that he thought was business related turned out to be Triple XXX rated hard core you know what. This was absolutely mortifying, horrifying, and embarrassing to the point where she was so flustered she could not hit the cancel button and she abruptly got up and walked out—never to return—after which she came into my office and stated, “I am done cleaning up this old man’s messes, smelling his poop diapers, and dealing with the phone calls from Alex on a regular basis—but actually viewing the hard core porn was the straw that broke the camel’s back” I figured after a couple of days, she would come back because she is thick-skinned and she knew she was doing me a favor and that is why she was there in the first place [. . ].
[W]hen I called her to come back, she said the more she thought about it, it really depresses her and she needs to move on, and I can’t say that I blame her. Unfortunately, she was irreplaceable. I cannot think of one person who could or would do what Antonia was doing for the last year and half on UB’s behalf . . .
. . . [A] few months ago UB was having an EKG and Alex had called him with the usual “George I need money now” episodes. [UB] came out and told me he needed to leave immediately. The nurse followed us out to the car and told me that he was fine until he got the phone call. He was arguing back and forth with whoever was on the other line, and that is when he ripped the wires off and proceeded to demand I take him home. Obviously he needed to go to Western Union as well.
Since that episode, when I take him to the doctor, I demand he gives me his cell phone, which I turn off and don’t return until after his doctor visit is over. Unfortunately the last time I took him to the doctor, the appointment was for 8:30 am; we got there at 8:15 and I had some business calls to make so I remained in my car outside. I then walked into the waiting room and he was on the phone with YOU KNOW WHO. I walked up to him immediately and he proceeded to hang up and I of course demanded the phone and proceeded to switch it off.
After having the conversation with Dr. [Palimento], I even suggested that maybe UB should have Alex live with him. Since UB is paying Alex a million dollars anyway, Alex may as well be the one taking care of him. I was half kidding when I said it, but the more I thought about it, the idea has merit [. . . ] It would never happen, but the bottom line is—he needs somebody every day, and although I am willing to supervise the situation because of our relationship and because I don’t buy into the bullshit, I obviously cannot, and will not, be the nurse, cook, or diaper changer. Just keeping you all in the loop. All suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Don’t forget about me. Remember, I am in the trenches EVERY DAY at 42 Bagdad Street.
Hugs and Kisses,
Cliff
The sarcasm in his sign-off told me that the family’s remoteness from Ground Zero was taking it’s toll on Cliff. When I called in in response to the letter, there was no humor in our conversation. His patience with UB had grown as thin as it had ever been. Yet UB was also getting older and closer to the inevitable. We no longer asked the question we’d often posed in jest—”Will he outlast us?” We could see the diminishing odds that UB would make it to 100. In the meantime, however, the old, tattered, sputtering biplane gained enough airspeed for (yet another) “go-around.”
Mother’s engine, meanwhile, was running out of fuel. She had a ways to go but not a lot of control over her weakening airframe. We hoped for a smooth landing, but even so, it wouldn’t be one from which she’d walk away.
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© 2023 by Eric Nilsson
[1] Not her real name; an employee of Fun Ghoul “assigned” to look after UB as Cliff directed from time to time.
