Original anecdotes, commentary, rumination, and occasional pontification.
MAY 4, 2023 – (Cont.) 5. Travis, wearing a neat, clean pair of striped bib overalls appears at the door and accompanies Malarkey to the latter’s house. From the driveway, Malarkey points to the second story fascia board in need of replacement. “I don’t climb on roofs,” says Travis. “I promised my ex that out …
MAY 3, 2023 – Our seven-year-old granddaughter and I joke a lot about co-authoring children’s books patterned after her many favorite “silly series,” such as the Old Lady who Swallowed a [Something or other] or the Seussian classics that rhyme like “a lime on the nose of a Thing like our Zing with a ring.” …
APRIL 29, 2023 – Years ago, Beth, my wife, bought the World in an all-inclusive deal: seven seas, seven continents, seven thousand islands upon a wide-diameter sphere—mounted on a handsome, wooden floor stand. The garage sale price, fully haggled, came to five bucks. The acquisition was for me (the consummate geography nerd) and fulfilled my …
APRIL 24, 2023 – (Cont.) And yet . . . I must confess that this same Pavlovian response (answering the phone spontaneously) has hacked its way into my cranial circuitry, albeit inconsistently. If certain people call me and I’m within earshot of my phone, I feel as if it’d be taken as a personal affront …
APRIL 23, 2023 – And now for a little two-part, Pavlovian comedy . . . With technological advancements and our corresponding adaptations, we easily lose sight of how ridiculous we’d appear to our former selves. Take ear buds, for example, in league with our phones. I remember the time years ago when I encountered a …
APRIL 21, 2023 – The problem with being in the same boat as everyone else, is you can’t complain. So much as a grunt marks you as a grump, and who wants to be rowing against that reputation? You have only two options: howling in private or bailing out of the boat. If you howl …
MARCH 14, 2023 – Today I put the dismal science aside in favor of a true story about funny money. It has nothing to do with economics but everything to do with human nature. The setting was Rutherford, NJ, hometown of my great grandparents and two subsequent generations of our family. During ancient times my …
FEBRUARY 28, 2023 – (Cont.) Almost all of my cases pled out. The public defenders were masters at their trade. One was always about to bust out of his shirt; an obvious body-builder, who, I suspected, was still caught in an adolescent need to compensate for the fact he was shorter than average. His dedication …
FEBRUARY 27, 2023 – (Cont.) By a classic Socratic exchange with us students, Pirsig revealed how the defense could most effectively cross-examine the cop. It added up to this: DEFENSE COUNSEL: So it’s your testimony that when you turned your flashlight on the car window, you saw a naked man? COP: Yes. DEFENSE COUNSEL: You’re …
FEBRUARY 26, 2023 – Eventually, everyone with a law degree is asked about the accused in some recent, sensational crime, “Do you think he’s guilty [nine times out of 10 it’s a “he”]?” and “How could you defend someone you know is guilty?” These two questions assume that the person with the law degree knows …
FEBRUARY 16, 2023 – Today I experienced another bone marrow biopsy ahead of my six-month-post-transplant appointment with Dr. Killjoy. The doc earned his nickname when he said last August, “No more downhill skiing for you.” I plan to show him a picture of S-turns I made recently on a downhill ski slope. I’ll explain that …
FEBRUARY 15, 2023 – No one likes to hear one’s spouse yell from upstairs first thing in the morning, “There’s no hot water!” If you pretend not to hear, you’ll soon find yourself in . . . hot water. Yet, if you promptly acknowledge the announcement, before the day is done, you’ll be in hot …
FEBRUARY 12, 2023 – Sitting in today’s ocular light of our national figurative Pantheon, of course, is Abraham Lincoln. No other president has been so revered for so long, except by Confederates during (and after) the Civil War. Volumes have been written about the 16th president, much of the treatment in praise of the man …
FEBRUARY 11, 2023 – I have a very good college friend who told me a very funny story the other day. It was a self-deprecating tale he’d recently recounted in a public forum—as part of an address before a gathering of esteemed citizens. Because of his comfort with self-deprecation, my friend wouldn’t be the least …
FEBRUARY 3, 2023 – Last night here in northwest Wisconsin the temperature “went rogue,” plunging to minus 22F without regard to windchill. In such conditions, you get a little slap happy. Early yesterday evening I discovered that a banana had slipped out of a grocery bag and spent the previous 24 hours in the trunk …
JANUARY 27, 2023 – Last night I risked life and limb to take the garbage and recycling down our 50-foot-long driveway to the alley receptacles. Winter’s been hard on the big, hard-plastic bins. Smacked several times by the plow, they stand at odd angles, in rough cut-outs of the snowbanks along our rutted, ever-narrowing, nearly …
JANUARY 25, 2023 – I’m a full week into eating on my own while Beth is eating in style—judging by the establishments listed on our Visa account (e.g. Bubbles by the Beach; Johnny Mananas). Awhile back, after decades of preparing daily dinner and leaving the dishes to me, Beth hinted unmistakably that I should learn …
JANUARY 24, 2023 – Yesterday I experienced sticker shock. I wasn’t reacting to the average U.S. house sale price in 2022 ($507,800) or the price of a 2023 Beamer – 520i ($76,995) or . . . room, board and tuition at Harvey Mudd College, the most expensive private college in America ($77,449). No, I was …
JANUARY 22, 2023 – In June my wife and I will celebrate our 40th anniversary. I’ve learned many important lessons over the course of this partnership. One is to put your dishes in the dishwasher. Second is to put them in the dishwasher right away. Another lesson is, if you arrive at the cabin and …
JANUARY 20, 2023 – When I was a kid, I couldn’t bear being inside on a nice day, especially in the summer. That was half the reason I hated the violin. Whether Mother was nagging me to practice or Dad was dragging me to a Saturday lesson, I couldn’t stand being indoors when I could be …
JANUARY 19, 2023 – In these parts, snow—manna to a skier—is still falling from heaven. My wife, who isn’t a skier, would say it’s falling from hell, a thermically and directionally paradoxical perspective. I recently gained a better understanding of her disdain after I backed my car into a snowbank up at the lake and …
DECEMBER 7, 2022 – Today in 1941 is the “day [that] will live in infamy,” so said President Roosevelt—the second Roosevelt, but I’ll come back to that later—in his speech to a joint session of Congress the day after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. “In infamy,” as it turns out, doesn’t mean “in eternity.” …
NOVEMBER 22, 2022 – My wife doesn’t know how lucky she is not to be at the Red Cabin with me—livin’ the life of Riley five days in a row. After just three days I was well into an eremitic routine. More than a week and I’d be a classic example of what happens to …
NOVEMBER 15, 2022 – Today I experienced a bad case of . . . myself. The back story: Upon successful emergence from my bone marrow stem cell transplant, I was prescribed fluorescent-yellow medicine as palatable as transmission fluid. The intended purpose of the daily dose of this awful stuff was to prevent bacterial pneumonia. When …
NOVEMBER 13, 2022 – Yesterday, heading out on my walk, I encountered our neighbors Kate and Dave across the alley. We hadn’t chatted in a while, so I stopped to talk. They’re smart, bright, articulate, well-informed and invariably have something worthwhile to hear. Among yesterday’s takes-away was a film recommendation: Don’t Look Up, on Netflix. …