APRIL 10, 2023 – Much of the world has long emerged from pandemic isolation—unmasked and unconcerned. For reasons well known to most of my readers, I’ve lived the past 15 months as “Bubble Boy.” Before today, I’d ventured inside retail establishments only five times. Today was the sixth—partly in celebration of the recent completion of my full Covid vaccination regimen. In an abundance of caution, I wore a mask inside the super-Target where I headed to pick up a prescription and . . . one of the three most critical requirements for my survival: FOOD.
If I’ve learned little else in life, I’m wise to two rules: 1. Don’t go grocery shopping when hungry; and 2. Have a grocery list, and stick to it. Today, however, I broke both rules. I was so famished, my stomach was giving full length protest speeches at regular intervals, and within 10 seconds of entering the store, I was in full departure from my list.
I felt like a Medieval peasant, more dumbfounded by the 100 varieties of canned soups and 1,000 choices of breakfast cereals available at a super-sized grocery store than by a slug of apps on an iPhone, a thousand cures proved by modern medicine or millions of uneventful miles of commercial aviation.
My list had been simple: butter, bananas and blueberries. But how could I resist a container of perfect raspberries, a bag of fresh clementines and a container full of sliced mango? I haven’t had any mango in years.
Near the mango: pistachios. With forecast of temps in the high 70s later this week, I could easily picture myself sitting on the back porch, reading . . . and snacking on pistachios. I added a full pound bag to my basket.
Exploring down the next aisle, I happened upon a bin of bags filled with “crinkle” sweet potato chip. I could taste the chips just by standing next to the rack. I grabbed a bag. The end-cap special was a newfangled chip by Cheez-It: “Cheddar Ranch – GROOVES.” I fell for a box—make that two, when I saw the “2 for 1” promotion. (There’s nothing worse than knowing that you’re falling for a classic food-marketing device.) I could picture ripping into both the bag of chips and a box of “GROOVES” to sample same on the short ride home.
To propitiate myself for such unhealthful indulgences, I went for something as expensive as it is healthful: dried seaweed. By paying a ridiculous price for a package that was lighter than air I found absolution for buying one bag, two boxes of junk food.
Next was the row of pancake and waffle mix, all brands and sizes. Prominently displayed was my high-protein brand (Kodiak), of which we were out. I wondered what concession Kodiak had paid for optimal placement. Next to it, of course, was real maple syrup, which I’d drained with the last Kodiak waffle over a week ago. Neither mix nor syrup was on the list, but both should’ve been.
The total damage was $71—including the three “Bs,” butter, bananas and blueberries. If I pace consumption, the average daily expense will be less than 10 bucks. Anyway, it’s food, and how’s a person supposed to live without it?
(Remember to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.)
© 2023 by Eric Nilsson
