DECEMBER 10, 2019 – On Saturday we joined a friend for a delectable meal at a Vietnamese restaurant. After 30-minutes of far-ranging but politics-free conversation, Trump’s name plopped down into the Phô, splashing soup onto the table. “I resent the fact,” our friend said, “that Trump now interferes with nearly every conversation I have.” My wife and I agreed. But there we were, the three of us, unthrottled in our joint indictment of the president and his supporters.
“#!@%?!” I said.
“$%#@!,” said my wife.
“That’s right!” said our friend.
Try as we might, we couldn’t dilute our expletives. With extra sauce for the eggrolls, we stood up for democracy and hollered away among ourselves with as much righteous indignation as Republicans yell at Democrats and . . . us.
Our frustration, if not our politics, should be understandable to people of the opposite persuasion. I mean, if our Republican family and friends aren’t about to tolerate our rants, who will? Our pets? The wall (an actual one)? This is why we have to rage at, or more precisely, rage with, people of like mind. Same goes for Trump supporters.
But none of this is good for our nation. Plus, all of this time yelling consumes liberal chunks of time that could be better spent addressing critical conservative issues like the national sleep deficit.
I like to do more than rage. I like to offer suggestions—constructive, bi-partisan ideas. So here goes . . .
I propose a national moratorium on outrage. People who support The Emperor irrespective of his sartorial condition would have an hour to nominate online, a national spokesperson. People who think The Emperor is buck naked would have the same hour to nominate their spokesperson. A bi-partisan app would select the top candidate for each side. Each of the spokespersons, in turn, would have 23 hours to post the top 24 “talking points” for their respective team. The bi-partisan app would take the final step: assigning a number to each talking point—even numbers to The Emperor-is-naked side; odd numbers (very odd—sorry; couldn’t resist) to The Emperor-in-Ermine side.
We could then “rage by the numbers.” This would have the added advantage of easy identification of a person’s persuasion—a single number, odd or even, would reveal a person’s team affiliation.
At the cash bar at the office Christmas party, all you’d have to do to smoke out someone’s politics is say, “Two.” If the other person says, “Four!” It’s a high-five. If it’s a, “Yeah, but three,” then you talk about the weather—but at least you’re talking! (Or you recite all your numbers; the other person calls out hers—and then you talk weather.)
Under the suggested system, my wife and I and our friend could’ve dispensed with politics by rattling off numbers from two to 24—in 12 seconds flat, leaving us ample time to talk about what’s far more important: grandchildren.
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© 2019 Eric Nilsson
