MAY 4, 2023 – (Cont.) 5. Travis, wearing a neat, clean pair of striped bib overalls appears at the door and accompanies Malarkey to the latter’s house. From the driveway, Malarkey points to the second story fascia board in need of replacement.
“I don’t climb on roofs,” says Travis. “I promised my ex that out of consideration for our 12-year-old daughter, I won’t do any work on roofs.”
6. Aware that it’s next to impossible to line up a handyman in this decade, Malarkey tries to convince Travis that the latter should make an exception; that through a second-story window opening, Travis can crawl out onto the back lower roof, which has a shallower pitch and provides easy access to the fascia board on a back dormer. Travis holds to “No,” but Malarkey gets snarky; refuses to accept “No” and convinces Travis to change “No” to “Maybe.” If Malarkey can peel off enough of the fascia board to see how much more work might be involved, Travis will make an exception, inspect and analyze. “Technically,” says Travis, “that’s not work on a roof. It’s merely analysis on a roof.”
7. Travis and Malarkey talk more. Malarkey learns that Travis was a math wiz in college, then went to the U of MN for graduate school in hospital administration. One thing connects to another until his story reveals a common connection that absolutely floors both Travis and Malarkey—but neither should be surprised, this being a smaller world than any of us fully appreciates.
8. Travis returns to his basement job. Malarkey gazes at the fascia board and decides that with the right tools, he can turn it into a DIY project. He approaches the neighbor across the alley, who’s put a million bucks of sweat equity into his house and owns every tool known to DeWalt, Milwaukee and Makita—including exactly what Malarkey needs: a hand-held, reciprocating, power saw. The neighbor graciously lends it to Malarkey.
10. Through a window opening Malarkey gains access to the back roof and goes to work on the fascia board. To coax things along, he pounds at them—hard—with a hammer. He makes progress but doesn’t finish the task.
11. Later, Malarkey’s wife says, “Before you pound the heck out of the outside of the house, you need to check first what’s on the other side of the wall. You knocked down a shelf loaded with stuff which then fell on top of a long bureau in the guestroom and broke the glass top.”
12. The sun sets; the moon rises. The moon sets; the sun rises. Malarkey climbs back onto the roof and resumes removal of the compromised section of the fascia board. Success!
13. Malarkey has brought with him a scrap six-inch board—the same dimension as the fascia board—along with a pencil, square and hand-saw to cut the scrap to the exact length of the portion of fascia board that was removed. Voila! The random scrap pulled from the garage is the exact length required—no cutting required.
14. Snarky Malarkey is now “Miraculous Malarkey.” He nails the new piece into place. The Gutter Guy can now return to do what he was born to do: replace the gutters. And that’s no Malarkey!
THE END
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© 2023 by Eric Nilsson
